A tale on cookies.

Once Upon A Time a group of men who really liked cookies decided to take over a cookie factory. They were to use a special recipe that included eggs and butter and wheat. Some of these men's wives had a hard time digesting the cookies but since at the time people were unfamiliar with food allergies, the women were left to suffer or just leave and stop eating the cookies.
Years went on and as the cookies became more and more popular, the number of letters from people having some trouble digesting them increased. The official answer from the headquarters of the company remained the same, suffer in silence or leave and stop eating the cookies. 
Even when science discovered food allergies and society started to recognise their existence, the company's official statement remained the same and they would not adapt the recipe. Years passed and as other cookie companies smartly decided to provide for the poor people suffering from food allergies, still the cookie company refused to change. 
Yet, one day, the company decided to make a smart financial move and expand. Sadly the country it wanted to expand its market to was crippled with people suffering from gluten intolerance. So the company decided to adapt its recipe and add a special gluten free line which allowed it to successfully expand in the new country.
It did take another forty years for the company to recognise it had been somewhat of a mistake not to start the gluten free line from the moment it was discovered people suffered from an allergy and that there were alternatives, but the company had genuinely done what was right at the time since people were not ready for their gluten free line from the beginning (even if that made absolutely no sense, but sometimes you can't admit having been wrong and give a real apology). 
Milk and egg intolerant people are still nowadays contacting the company, however its headquarters prefer to answer that they should just suffer in silence or leave and stop eating the cookies. Too bad they were not born gluten intolerant!

Of Feminism.

Let me start with a couple of definitions:

-Definition of feminism:noun
[mass noun]the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.
http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/feminism
- the belief that women should be allowed the same rights, power, and opportunities as men and be treated in the same way, or the set of activitie sintended to achieve this state:
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/feminism
-Definition of equality:noun
 [mass noun] the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, or opportunities.http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/equalitya situation in which men and women, people of different races, religions, etc. are all treated fairly and have the same opportunities
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/business-english/equality

Lately I have read and heard a lot about Feminism. I have been astonished by the amount of people who have no idea what Feminism is all about. That is why I started this post with these definitions. Feminism is about Equality. It is not about having women above men. It is about having women and men on the same level. It is about individuals being provided with the same opportunities regardless of their gender. It is about our little girls never being made to feel like they are worth less than our little boys. It is about our little boys knowing it is normal to feel like becoming a stay at home dad when they grow up and they should not deny themselves the opportunity if it would make them happy.

Because when we restrain men and women to traditionalist gender roles and we destroy individuals. We restrain some women who are not good nurturers from being happy, we keep men who are great with children from being happy, and we keep some children from being raised by happy parents. Some people are happy with the traditional man at work and woman at home but it is not for everyone and it is not anyone's place to force their own idea of happiness on others. 

 

I have heard my whole life about how men are to do certain things and women others. I have heard the jokes about short feet being better for washing the dishes and the stories about women being delicate flowers and that giving them certain responsibilities would be demeaning as they are too good for that (or too hormonal and emotional to handle more than child bearing and rearing with a side of husband caring).

Men and women are equal. Sadly they are simply not recognised as such nor provided with equal opportunities. Anything a man can do, so can a woman and the reverse is true (except granted child bearing and labour but then, creating a child requires both men and women so there we find equality again and the power of life giving being shared equally by both male and female). Feminism is simply all about working toward equality. 

So here it is. My daughter is as good as any other child. And I never want her to ever be put in a position where she will be made to feel like less important than a boy, no matter how much sugar coated this position is. I want her to be able to achieve anything she wants. If she wants to become a doctor, a flight attendant, a diplomat, a state president or prime minister...(and sadly I cannot add here a religious position because my religion does NOT offer equal opportunities to men and women yet and that shakes me to the core, and if she were to decide to go looking somewhere else I would understand).

The day there is equality between women and men there will be no more need for feminism. But until then, I will call myself a feminist and I will raise my daughter as such. Because Feminism isn't about superiority but equality. Real equality, not just in words but in action and opportunities provided regardless of your gender. I pray with all my heart that I will see it and that my daughter will not have to fight for it. I know Equality is a good and honourable and virtuous thing to strife for.

The cupcake, gums and all other treats victims.

This article is not to talk about dieting problem, do not be mislead by the title. However it does talk about a certain use made of treats during a special LDS young women lesson. I am going to use the cupcake because that is what was used as an example when I was given this lesson quite a long time ago. As a young woman, I did let quite a lot of things glide by, I might not have always been comfortable with them but since we were not encouraged to talk about discomfort, rather made feel guilty for it, I just sat, listened, and slowly let certain teachings engrave themselves in me. Now, as mother, I feel I would do something criminal if I still let it glide by.

Like any responsible parent, I do not want anything damaging to happen to my child if I can help it. And saying something now, even if it might not be heard or read by many, is doing something for the future happiness of my daughter.

Now I am not going to say that I am against all teachings that are given during LDS young women lessons. Some are very good. But sadly, there are some that even though they might be innocently given in hoping to do good, are in fact exceedingly damaging, hurtful, demeaning and sexist.

The one teaching I am going to write about is the one about sexual abstinence. I am not going against sexual abstinence, I know that it can bring a lot of happiness. However I am way against how it is taught to young women at church (I am sure it might be the case in other churches but here when I say church I mean the LDS church as it is the one I have been going to).

The first time I told my husband about this lesson, he made a face that was priceless. He also was pretty disgusted. Our daughter was asleep at the time. He went and looked at her for a moment and told me that over his dead body was anyone going to say anything like that to his daughter. And I do share his feelings. Most young women or women who have been attending the LDS church will recognize this lesson, for any one else who has never heard it, well allow me to share this dark little secret with you.

One Sunday, during young women lesson, a teacher (who is most likely not a trained person to talk about such a sensitive issue - top it with the fact that as a parent no written consent to have such a talk about sex with your child was asked for....) will explain that it is expected from young women to practice sexual abstinence until marriage. That the sacred power of creation that comes through sexual relationships is to be reserved between lawfully wedded husband and wife. So far so good for a religious class about sex. Now however here where it all goes wrong. The teacher shows all young women two cupcakes, in see through bags. Those cupcakes are gorgeous looking. The teacher explains that all young men want the cupcakes. If you have not guessed so far, these cupcakes represent the "virtue" of young women, but let's call it what it is, their virginity. The teacher will then smash one of the cupcakes and explain that when young women have sex before marriage (and thus by the way whether it is consent or not), they basically smash their cupcake and even if it still tastes the same, no young man will want to eat a smashed cupcake. 

I do hope everyone who reads this sees where this is wrong. If you do not, I suggest you go, have a word with your bishop, stake president AND your mother, wife, daughter AND your doctor. Hopefully somewhere you should see where this is wrong. I would like you to ask a young woman to honestly tell you how she feels about this. If she trusts you she will probably tell you. But I would also like you to take a few moments and think about a woman that you love and esteem in your life, this can be a grandmother, mother, aunt, sister, teacher, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, friends...anyone. 

I would like you to think about why this woman is so admirable, and why you love her so much. Now I would like you to imagine this beautiful woman (she is beautiful because you love her) comes to you, and tells you that she either:

-was abused 

-was really in love when she was just 16, the young man was to go away, he really was the love of her life, they were together one night before he went to war and was killed.

-had sex once because she was curious

-had sex once because of peer pressure

-had sex once and that is none of your business why.

Now is that woman still the same beautiful woman? Has she not moved on from that experience and has she still not accomplished all the wonderful things that you have admired her for? Has she not been present to all the same moments you remember spending with her? Do you think her love for you was any different?

The point is that a woman's worth is not determined by the state of her cupcake. It is determined by what she does. It is determined by who she is. When you tell a young woman she is worth nothing if her cupcake is smashed, you are doing something pretty akin to a psychological rape ( I actually believe that is exactly what you are doing but I am being nice because you probably don't have a clue). You see, if a young woman is raped, she doesn't get a say in it but she can still black out. She can still have a chance to realise that no matter what some disgusting individual did to her body, she is still in charge of her mind and spirit. She is a survivor. The day she has her first time with someone who really loves her, she can have the chance to have a first time because she chooses to. 

But when you have taught her that if her cupcake was smashed there was nothing to be done about it because that is all she is worth, that physical part of herself is all that she is worth by, you deprive her from all hope. You tell her that she can never be someone good enough for that person who loves her. You put her in a position where she feels like nothing she will ever do will ever be good enough or worth even trying. You are doing something criminal and damaging. You are taking her happiness and life away from her.

Now, I know that some young women will also choose to have sex before marriage. But I think that if you were to give young women AND young men the real facts about sex, you would not have to fear for them. They will be curious anyway, the only thing you can do is not damage the experience for the rest of their lives. Because when you diminish the experience to that one time, and put a veil of shame on it, the truth is that even once married a lot of young persons are not going to appreciate it, and worse, they are still going to feel bad about sharing it with their partner.

So here is what I believe should be explained. Sex is something wonderful when used between two persons who love each other. It does allow you to communicate physically your love for each other. It also has the power to bring forth new life here on earth and should be used wisely since no contraception can fully prevent this from happening, you should only use it when you are in a situation where you feel you can bring children forth. Sex can be very pleasant but it can also be very uncomfortable, especially for young women. You should not be influenced by what TV and media tell you it is going to be like because it is nothing like it. It is something that can be wonderful if you are in the right situation with someone who loves you and that you trust and love. Someone that you have the time to know, because it takes time for sex to be enjoyable for two partners. All you need is time with each other and good communication and trust, which are better found within a married couple since you usually marry someone you trust enough with your life and feel comfortable to share with the potential experience of parenthood. 

I think we should just get rid of the cupcake story. We should teach our children to be responsible. Teenagers may look like they are stupid but most will not go and play the Russian roulette for fun, likewise if you are to tell them that yes, sex can be fun but it does always come with parenthood as a potential consequence they are likely to realise that it should only be used when you are at a point in life where you can live with this potential parenthood. Sex should be used when you feel you are mature enough to deal with the potential consequences. I believe we should stop thinking that teenagers and single young adults will not be tempted by sex because of the cupcake stories, the temptation will still be there, but the way they see it can influence their response to it. And anything that is psychologically damaging well...is damaging so why keep on using it? Finally most importantly, a woman's worth is not linked to the state of her cupcake. Any man who believes this is not worth any young woman's attention.

Sorry the hem of your skirt was two inches too short...

The last few weeks I have been reading a lot of articles about modesty and young girls in the world today. I have been quite horrified by the links made between rape, sexual abuse and modesty. Before anyone gets upset at me, please make the effort to read till the end. I have a young daughter myself and I am well aware of the problems she may have to face and that as a parent I have a responsibility towards her to give her tools to be ready to face these problems and make the best decisions for herself. I am also painfully aware that sadly her making choices will not change other people's choices and that it will one day lead to her getting hurt.
Now, I would ask anyone who says a young girl, young woman, woman should wear modest clothing so she basically does not lead any young boy, young man or man into too strong a temptation to take two minutes and think of the implication of their statement. When you tell a woman that what she wears makes her responsible for tempting the opposite sex you imply that the opposite sex does not choose to be tempted. And you do not know much about men in general, and if you are a man you are either a deep hypocrite or have forgotten the time when you weren't perfect yourself.
First I am going to address the issue of making women responsible through their clothing of men's temptation, then I will write about what I think of modesty and clothes.

Men get aroused. They always have and always will lest the human race perish. This will happen and happens regardless what women are wearing. Granted some clothing can play a role but if you take an hour and go have an honest word with your son, your brother, your boyfriend, your husband or your father you will find out that men get attracted by more than flesh showing, some get "tempted" or "attracted" by the sight of female hands, some by hair length, colour, eyes, face, feet, mouth, teeth, smell, waist, fat, voice, ears, (head, shoulders, knees and toes) or by the simple fact they are women, the tastes are as many as there are men on earth. So what do you do to counter this? Do you lock girls in boxes because even if you let them out covered fully in shapeless cloth well, a few civilisations have attempted it , there still are problems. There has been rape, sexual abuse of diverse type going on since the beginning of the world and there will be as long as men are not taught that they are responsible for their own actions. No woman EVER asks to be raped, I do not care she is a prostitute or a nun. If a man feels like that girl wants him and really has the urge to have her he should have the guts to go and ask the question instead of helping himself and if the answer is no then he should either calm himself down or go home and have a cold or long shower but he does not have any right to force himself on the girl. It is the man's responsibility to control his urges, not the woman's. You would be amazed by how many girls or women do not know the way guys' minds work when it come to sexuality, and if they do it still is no excuse to deprive them from consensual relationships.
When we give excuses to a culprit of rape or sexual abuse, we forget who the victim is. We create a society where we will tell a young girl of twelve who just got raped that we are sorry but "your skirt was two inches too short" so it was all her fault and the guy should walk out free. And I do not know any good parent who wants a world like that for their daughter.
I know a family, a good and nice family on many respects, that I really love. Yet I disagree with the way they viewed women. It is not entirely their fault though since the society they are in does not encourage men to take responsibility for themselves. Anyway, one day the parents in this family, we'll call them Bernie and Chantelle took their kids to one of the cousin's wedding. One of their girls was ten, we'll call her Anita. Anita was at the age when little girls want to wear make up like mummy and asked several times if she could, Bernie and Chantelle said no. Anita still managed to find make up and put it on. Of course it was too much but she did not have any guiding hand. During the party Anita got noticed, despite the fact she was ten she had already quite a mature body and with make up on people thought she was quite a few years older. She wanted to grab a toy from the family car and asked the keys to her dad. Bernie gave them to her and she went to the car outside on her own. While walking there two of her drunk uncles started following her, tried to grab her and she just made it in the car. The two men banged on the car windows telling her to come out they just wanted "to have a bit of fun". Anita kept the doors locked and waited for an hour there to make sure it was safe going back. She was shaking. No one asked her what had happened but on the way back she told her parents. In the middle of the night Chantelle walked in her room furious and told her she was ashamed to have a daughter who wore make up like a whore, and if she went on like that she would only get what she deserved and end up in the streets. Does anyone see what is wrong with this picture? What could have been done? Anita was lucky things did not get worse for her that night but what kind of image did she have of herself afterwards? What trust in her parents to protect her was left? It is the parents responsibility not to leave their children in dangerous environment but to also let your children grow and help them. Giving see through lipstick would have kept Anita from looking like a clown but more importantly, walking her to the car would have been the grown up thing to do. You don't leave a vulnerable person alone. It was not Anita's fault.
People should stop idealising the good old days, rape and sexual abuse have always been around, it is only just recent that they are not as much a taboo subject but even then most victims will not report it. Did you know that when you sit at the family table at Christmas the odds are that if you look at your mother, grandmother, aunts, sisters, cousins and if you could know everything that ever happened to them you would find out that at least one of them has been sexually abused in her life yet she keeps a smile on her face and doesn't speak about it. Because if she did she would not be a good girl any more she would be the girl who had been raped. And for the little that she lived in the wrong country or at the wrong time period she would have been lynched. Most women keep it quiet because they do not want to be regarded and defined by what some jerk did to them. But most of these victims fall into depression and contemplate suicide. Here is a study of the impact of sexual abuse on victims: Suicide and Depression rates on rape victims compared to non victims of violent crime. Now I believe that we could change things if we did not, as a society, make these victims feel like they were the ones asking for something wrong to happen to them and if we did not define them by being raped. We force them to hide themselves and if they commit suicide we are all guilty for it. Society and the rapist commit murder by silence and hypocrite prudery. Victims of sexual assault should not have to fear that they will be treated as damaged goods and as outsiders for the rest of their life. We should put the real culprit where they belong: in jail.

Now about modesty. As I have said, I do not think that it is a good thing to tell a young girl that she should not wear certain clothing for fear that she will tease some members of the opposite sex. That as a reason is planting a seed inside that young girl's mind that if anything ever happened to her it was somehow her fault, that she attracted it on herself. Using the age old argument that women should be careful not teasing men because men are only just victim of their sexuality is garbage and dangerous. It is damaging and shameful. It is turning women into objects. Men who have issues controlling themselves should learn to treat women differently to start with, and get some professional help, they do have a problem and it is not "that they are just poor men". Modesty should be about respecting oneself. Any woman should feel like she can wear whatever she feels like if she is comfortable with it. Modesty is more a style. You do not have to wear baggy shapeless clothes to be modest. You do not have to wear skin tight clothes to be immodest. But more importantly, you do not have to be a woman to be immodest. Here is a short video clip from the famous TV series Friends: "No need to get testy". I think it makes my point. I have seen many men putting themselves in similar situations to Robert's. So yea, modesty isn't just for women, men too do wear revealing clothings, yet you do not see women jumping on them on the streets.
I have heard plenty about prepubescent girls who wanted their parents to buy them padded bras but who in the first place even considers this? Maybe you should be careful with what the child has access to on TV? Maybe you should not drag her into Victoria's Secrets to start with? Maybe if your child is mature enough to know about clothes you could start to explain her what will flatter her or not and I am sorry if any girl has any common sense she will realise that wearing a padded bra with a kid's body will NOT be flattering but ridiculous.
I think a good way to start is by looking at fashion. Fashion changes every three months at least and can fully dress you up to fully undress you. It can get you wearing lime green to navy to peach to fuchsia within six months. Fashion can make you look good one day and make you look ridiculous the next. Fashion should be approached with taste. Modesty can work with Fashion but not always.
Style on the other hand is timeless. Any famous actress or woman has a trademark. It is called style. Not fashion. These women know what shape of clothes work on them, what colours bring the best out of them. And funny enough these women usually aged without having to fully change their wardrobe and are also regarded as having taste and being quite modest when it comes to clothing. It doesn't mean from time to time they didn't wear a cute small black dress or showed a bit of shoulder but they did it with taste. So I think that if we taught our daughters from a very young age what works for them in style and colours we could see young women who don't feel the need to pass through all the colours of the rainbow when they grow up because they would have already a way of showing who they are through their clothes. They would have their own personal style. And the odds are you would not be scared to bring them for Sunday lunch to their grandparents.

I am going to stop this here but to sum up I think that we should start giving to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and realise that if any type of sexual assault or abuse happened, it happened because the attacker did not have any self restrain, it did not happen to the victim because of how she looked. And as far as modesty is concerned if we do not want it to be something damaging we should look at it for what it is, a style that can be flattering and that should not be treated as a way to protect yourself. Clothes should make you feel and look good, not hide you. No one should ever have to hide.