The last few weeks I have been reading a lot of articles about modesty and young girls in the world today. I have been quite horrified by the links made between rape, sexual abuse and modesty. Before anyone gets upset at me, please make the effort to read till the end. I have a young daughter myself and I am well aware of the problems she may have to face and that as a parent I have a responsibility towards her to give her tools to be ready to face these problems and make the best decisions for herself. I am also painfully aware that sadly her making choices will not change other people's choices and that it will one day lead to her getting hurt.
Now, I would ask anyone who says a young girl, young woman, woman should wear modest clothing so she basically does not lead any young boy, young man or man into too strong a temptation to take two minutes and think of the implication of their statement. When you tell a woman that what she wears makes her responsible for tempting the opposite sex you imply that the opposite sex does not choose to be tempted. And you do not know much about men in general, and if you are a man you are either a deep hypocrite or have forgotten the time when you weren't perfect yourself.
First I am going to address the issue of making women responsible through their clothing of men's temptation, then I will write about what I think of modesty and clothes.
Men get aroused. They always have and always will lest the human race perish. This will happen and happens regardless what women are wearing. Granted some clothing can play a role but if you take an hour and go have an honest word with your son, your brother, your boyfriend, your husband or your father you will find out that men get attracted by more than flesh showing, some get "tempted" or "attracted" by the sight of female hands, some by hair length, colour, eyes, face, feet, mouth, teeth, smell, waist, fat, voice, ears, (head, shoulders, knees and toes) or by the simple fact they are women, the tastes are as many as there are men on earth. So what do you do to counter this? Do you lock girls in boxes because even if you let them out covered fully in shapeless cloth well, a few civilisations have attempted it , there still are problems. There has been rape, sexual abuse of diverse type going on since the beginning of the world and there will be as long as men are not taught that they are responsible for their own actions. No woman EVER asks to be raped, I do not care she is a prostitute or a nun. If a man feels like that girl wants him and really has the urge to have her he should have the guts to go and ask the question instead of helping himself and if the answer is no then he should either calm himself down or go home and have a cold or long shower but he does not have any right to force himself on the girl. It is the man's responsibility to control his urges, not the woman's. You would be amazed by how many girls or women do not know the way guys' minds work when it come to sexuality, and if they do it still is no excuse to deprive them from consensual relationships.
When we give excuses to a culprit of rape or sexual abuse, we forget who the victim is. We create a society where we will tell a young girl of twelve who just got raped that we are sorry but "your skirt was two inches too short" so it was all her fault and the guy should walk out free. And I do not know any good parent who wants a world like that for their daughter.
I know a family, a good and nice family on many respects, that I really love. Yet I disagree with the way they viewed women. It is not entirely their fault though since the society they are in does not encourage men to take responsibility for themselves. Anyway, one day the parents in this family, we'll call them Bernie and Chantelle took their kids to one of the cousin's wedding. One of their girls was ten, we'll call her Anita. Anita was at the age when little girls want to wear make up like mummy and asked several times if she could, Bernie and Chantelle said no. Anita still managed to find make up and put it on. Of course it was too much but she did not have any guiding hand. During the party Anita got noticed, despite the fact she was ten she had already quite a mature body and with make up on people thought she was quite a few years older. She wanted to grab a toy from the family car and asked the keys to her dad. Bernie gave them to her and she went to the car outside on her own. While walking there two of her drunk uncles started following her, tried to grab her and she just made it in the car. The two men banged on the car windows telling her to come out they just wanted "to have a bit of fun". Anita kept the doors locked and waited for an hour there to make sure it was safe going back. She was shaking. No one asked her what had happened but on the way back she told her parents. In the middle of the night Chantelle walked in her room furious and told her she was ashamed to have a daughter who wore make up like a whore, and if she went on like that she would only get what she deserved and end up in the streets. Does anyone see what is wrong with this picture? What could have been done? Anita was lucky things did not get worse for her that night but what kind of image did she have of herself afterwards? What trust in her parents to protect her was left? It is the parents responsibility not to leave their children in dangerous environment but to also let your children grow and help them. Giving see through lipstick would have kept Anita from looking like a clown but more importantly, walking her to the car would have been the grown up thing to do. You don't leave a vulnerable person alone. It was not Anita's fault.
People should stop idealising the good old days, rape and sexual abuse have always been around, it is only just recent that they are not as much a taboo subject but even then most victims will not report it. Did you know that when you sit at the family table at Christmas the odds are that if you look at your mother, grandmother, aunts, sisters, cousins and if you could know everything that ever happened to them you would find out that at least one of them has been sexually abused in her life yet she keeps a smile on her face and doesn't speak about it. Because if she did she would not be a good girl any more she would be the girl who had been raped. And for the little that she lived in the wrong country or at the wrong time period she would have been lynched. Most women keep it quiet because they do not want to be regarded and defined by what some jerk did to them. But most of these victims fall into depression and contemplate suicide. Here is a study of the impact of sexual abuse on victims: Suicide and Depression rates on rape victims compared to non victims of violent crime. Now I believe that we could change things if we did not, as a society, make these victims feel like they were the ones asking for something wrong to happen to them and if we did not define them by being raped. We force them to hide themselves and if they commit suicide we are all guilty for it. Society and the rapist commit murder by silence and hypocrite prudery. Victims of sexual assault should not have to fear that they will be treated as damaged goods and as outsiders for the rest of their life. We should put the real culprit where they belong: in jail.
Now about modesty. As I have said, I do not think that it is a good thing to tell a young girl that she should not wear certain clothing for fear that she will tease some members of the opposite sex. That as a reason is planting a seed inside that young girl's mind that if anything ever happened to her it was somehow her fault, that she attracted it on herself. Using the age old argument that women should be careful not teasing men because men are only just victim of their sexuality is garbage and dangerous. It is damaging and shameful. It is turning women into objects. Men who have issues controlling themselves should learn to treat women differently to start with, and get some professional help, they do have a problem and it is not "that they are just poor men". Modesty should be about respecting oneself. Any woman should feel like she can wear whatever she feels like if she is comfortable with it. Modesty is more a style. You do not have to wear baggy shapeless clothes to be modest. You do not have to wear skin tight clothes to be immodest. But more importantly, you do not have to be a woman to be immodest. Here is a short video clip from the famous TV series Friends: "No need to get testy". I think it makes my point. I have seen many men putting themselves in similar situations to Robert's. So yea, modesty isn't just for women, men too do wear revealing clothings, yet you do not see women jumping on them on the streets.
I have heard plenty about prepubescent girls who wanted their parents to buy them padded bras but who in the first place even considers this? Maybe you should be careful with what the child has access to on TV? Maybe you should not drag her into Victoria's Secrets to start with? Maybe if your child is mature enough to know about clothes you could start to explain her what will flatter her or not and I am sorry if any girl has any common sense she will realise that wearing a padded bra with a kid's body will NOT be flattering but ridiculous.
I think a good way to start is by looking at fashion. Fashion changes every three months at least and can fully dress you up to fully undress you. It can get you wearing lime green to navy to peach to fuchsia within six months. Fashion can make you look good one day and make you look ridiculous the next. Fashion should be approached with taste. Modesty can work with Fashion but not always.
Style on the other hand is timeless. Any famous actress or woman has a trademark. It is called style. Not fashion. These women know what shape of clothes work on them, what colours bring the best out of them. And funny enough these women usually aged without having to fully change their wardrobe and are also regarded as having taste and being quite modest when it comes to clothing. It doesn't mean from time to time they didn't wear a cute small black dress or showed a bit of shoulder but they did it with taste. So I think that if we taught our daughters from a very young age what works for them in style and colours we could see young women who don't feel the need to pass through all the colours of the rainbow when they grow up because they would have already a way of showing who they are through their clothes. They would have their own personal style. And the odds are you would not be scared to bring them for Sunday lunch to their grandparents.
I am going to stop this here but to sum up I think that we should start giving to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and realise that if any type of sexual assault or abuse happened, it happened because the attacker did not have any self restrain, it did not happen to the victim because of how she looked. And as far as modesty is concerned if we do not want it to be something damaging we should look at it for what it is, a style that can be flattering and that should not be treated as a way to protect yourself. Clothes should make you feel and look good, not hide you. No one should ever have to hide.
great blog :)
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