Like any responsible parent, I do not want anything damaging to happen to my child if I can help it. And saying something now, even if it might not be heard or read by many, is doing something for the future happiness of my daughter.
Now I am not going to say that I am against all teachings that are given during LDS young women lessons. Some are very good. But sadly, there are some that even though they might be innocently given in hoping to do good, are in fact exceedingly damaging, hurtful, demeaning and sexist.
The one teaching I am going to write about is the one about sexual abstinence. I am not going against sexual abstinence, I know that it can bring a lot of happiness. However I am way against how it is taught to young women at church (I am sure it might be the case in other churches but here when I say church I mean the LDS church as it is the one I have been going to).
The first time I told my husband about this lesson, he made a face that was priceless. He also was pretty disgusted. Our daughter was asleep at the time. He went and looked at her for a moment and told me that over his dead body was anyone going to say anything like that to his daughter. And I do share his feelings. Most young women or women who have been attending the LDS church will recognize this lesson, for any one else who has never heard it, well allow me to share this dark little secret with you.
One Sunday, during young women lesson, a teacher (who is most likely not a trained person to talk about such a sensitive issue - top it with the fact that as a parent no written consent to have such a talk about sex with your child was asked for....) will explain that it is expected from young women to practice sexual abstinence until marriage. That the sacred power of creation that comes through sexual relationships is to be reserved between lawfully wedded husband and wife. So far so good for a religious class about sex. Now however here where it all goes wrong. The teacher shows all young women two cupcakes, in see through bags. Those cupcakes are gorgeous looking. The teacher explains that all young men want the cupcakes. If you have not guessed so far, these cupcakes represent the "virtue" of young women, but let's call it what it is, their virginity. The teacher will then smash one of the cupcakes and explain that when young women have sex before marriage (and thus by the way whether it is consent or not), they basically smash their cupcake and even if it still tastes the same, no young man will want to eat a smashed cupcake.
I do hope everyone who reads this sees where this is wrong. If you do not, I suggest you go, have a word with your bishop, stake president AND your mother, wife, daughter AND your doctor. Hopefully somewhere you should see where this is wrong. I would like you to ask a young woman to honestly tell you how she feels about this. If she trusts you she will probably tell you. But I would also like you to take a few moments and think about a woman that you love and esteem in your life, this can be a grandmother, mother, aunt, sister, teacher, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, friends...anyone.
I would like you to think about why this woman is so admirable, and why you love her so much. Now I would like you to imagine this beautiful woman (she is beautiful because you love her) comes to you, and tells you that she either:
-was abused
-was really in love when she was just 16, the young man was to go away, he really was the love of her life, they were together one night before he went to war and was killed.
-had sex once because she was curious
-had sex once because of peer pressure
-had sex once and that is none of your business why.
Now is that woman still the same beautiful woman? Has she not moved on from that experience and has she still not accomplished all the wonderful things that you have admired her for? Has she not been present to all the same moments you remember spending with her? Do you think her love for you was any different?
The point is that a woman's worth is not determined by the state of her cupcake. It is determined by what she does. It is determined by who she is. When you tell a young woman she is worth nothing if her cupcake is smashed, you are doing something pretty akin to a psychological rape ( I actually believe that is exactly what you are doing but I am being nice because you probably don't have a clue). You see, if a young woman is raped, she doesn't get a say in it but she can still black out. She can still have a chance to realise that no matter what some disgusting individual did to her body, she is still in charge of her mind and spirit. She is a survivor. The day she has her first time with someone who really loves her, she can have the chance to have a first time because she chooses to.
But when you have taught her that if her cupcake was smashed there was nothing to be done about it because that is all she is worth, that physical part of herself is all that she is worth by, you deprive her from all hope. You tell her that she can never be someone good enough for that person who loves her. You put her in a position where she feels like nothing she will ever do will ever be good enough or worth even trying. You are doing something criminal and damaging. You are taking her happiness and life away from her.
Now, I know that some young women will also choose to have sex before marriage. But I think that if you were to give young women AND young men the real facts about sex, you would not have to fear for them. They will be curious anyway, the only thing you can do is not damage the experience for the rest of their lives. Because when you diminish the experience to that one time, and put a veil of shame on it, the truth is that even once married a lot of young persons are not going to appreciate it, and worse, they are still going to feel bad about sharing it with their partner.
So here is what I believe should be explained. Sex is something wonderful when used between two persons who love each other. It does allow you to communicate physically your love for each other. It also has the power to bring forth new life here on earth and should be used wisely since no contraception can fully prevent this from happening, you should only use it when you are in a situation where you feel you can bring children forth. Sex can be very pleasant but it can also be very uncomfortable, especially for young women. You should not be influenced by what TV and media tell you it is going to be like because it is nothing like it. It is something that can be wonderful if you are in the right situation with someone who loves you and that you trust and love. Someone that you have the time to know, because it takes time for sex to be enjoyable for two partners. All you need is time with each other and good communication and trust, which are better found within a married couple since you usually marry someone you trust enough with your life and feel comfortable to share with the potential experience of parenthood.
I think we should just get rid of the cupcake story. We should teach our children to be responsible. Teenagers may look like they are stupid but most will not go and play the Russian roulette for fun, likewise if you are to tell them that yes, sex can be fun but it does always come with parenthood as a potential consequence they are likely to realise that it should only be used when you are at a point in life where you can live with this potential parenthood. Sex should be used when you feel you are mature enough to deal with the potential consequences. I believe we should stop thinking that teenagers and single young adults will not be tempted by sex because of the cupcake stories, the temptation will still be there, but the way they see it can influence their response to it. And anything that is psychologically damaging well...is damaging so why keep on using it? Finally most importantly, a woman's worth is not linked to the state of her cupcake. Any man who believes this is not worth any young woman's attention.
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